Over the past several years, I’ve gained a better understanding why people are eager to see a tough year come to a close and to turn their sights towards a new day. While true, it is really just a formality (every day is a new day, right?), there is indeed something about ceremony. And closure. I appreciate people gathering around, wearing party hats, and ringing in new possibilities and opportunities. Other celebrated NYE traditions are good, too. What a great time to write down that which is stealing your joy on  a piece of paper and send it off via a blaze of absolution. Nothing wrong with symbolism.

Since I decided to opt out of said NYE festivities, rituals and celebrations this year, I’m taking a moment to write out guidelines for myself to make 2010 the year of the Lion (translation: anyone who is going to kick some butt and hear themselves roar): 

Miscelaney’s 10 Points of Personal Light

1 ) This year I won’t get caught up in the small stuff, no matter how commanding or alluring

2 ) This year not only will I dream big, I’ll act big

3 ) This year will be the year of true action

4 ) This year I will try even harder

5 ) This year I will fully embrace the power of my mind

6 ) This year I will completely recognize they can only get me if I let them

7 ) This year I will love unconditionally

8 ) This year I will take true emotional risks

9 ) This year I will lay down my armor and not worry where I left it

10 ) This year I will surprise you

Happy 2010. Cheers to making this year really count.

Sign up for Miscelaney by RSS feed (you can can also sign up by e-mail, but I know how you people are about commitment). Don’t forget to become a fan on Facebook.

It’s over, now what?

It’s taken me a long time to understand this feeling of disappointment when the cider is gone and the last of the wrapping paper had been scooped off the floor and deftly deposited into the trash. When we are young, Christmas is met with a breathless enthusiasm, eagerly waiting for the spoils of holiday consumerism. It ends and you can’t wait to get back to school to share tales of loot. In college and young adult years, it’s a time of safe harbour retuning home and reconnecting with those who have done the same. Once you’ve married, the holidays become more complex, and you learn the fine art of ”multi-Christmasing” and compromise. If you don’t marry or find yourself single again, perhaps this is a time of battling your inner scrooge. Holidays are indeed made for family and sharing with loved ones. When you haven’t established your own family or are now navigating the choppy waters of “co-oping” your family during those precious few holiday hours, decking the halls with anything less than your middle finger can often be hard to do.

I know I’ve run the gamet of emotions when it comes to celebrating holidays. Having not been in the type of relationship where I bring someone home for Christmas for the past twelve years, I’ve gone on strike, I’ve dreaded, I’ve breathed heavy sighs of relief when all has ended, and I’ve been unexpectedly (nay delightfully) surprised. You name the emotion, and I’m sure I’ve conjured it up at some point during the holidays.

But as I age, which means my family is aging, I’m starting to get it. And I’m not just talking about the importance of being dutiful (we’re all dutiful, right?). I mean the feeling of “it’s over already? It can’t be“. I now understand why Grandmother was always so sad when it was over. With a new year comes change. Some good, some not, but change none-the-less. Either way, they knew that this one precious moment in time will never, ever occur again. Hence the reason mom takes a zillion horrifying pictures. Anything to capture the moment. To create memories to draft off of until the next year cycles into view.

So from this day forth, I will smile patiently when my mom takes eight pictures of me all in the worst poses and angles imaginable. I will delight when Christmas is extended into three FULL days of family, extended family, neighbors and new faces. I will gladly eat as many holiday meals as it takes to make the rounds and I will smile, answer any question imaginable and charm my way through it all. And when it’s over, and I’m experiencing that feeling of void, I will embrace it. It means I’ve been a part of something real and wonderful, even if I don’t have anyone to share it with. And with the right attitude, perhaps I’ll even look forward to next year.

Stuff. Such a simple word, yet so loaded with complexities. Merriam-Webster defines stuff as our personal property. “Don’t touch my stuff” is probably one of the first full sentences we formed using the word “don’t” during our formative years. Whether it be directed towards a sibling, friend, classmate or foe, the point is clear: Don’t. Touch. My. Stuff. We are socially groomed from the time we receive our first meaningful toy that not only is there value in having ”stuff”, but it’s worth protecting, too.

I was at a networking event last night and struck up a conversation with a gentleman who had just moved back to the states after living six years in London. It was an easy conversation of big picture values and ideas when the simple phrase was uttered “you have to give up some stuff to have other stuff“. This seemingly innocuous phrase struck a chord within. We delved head-first into the “stuff” conversation. He mentioned how he’d reduced a household of stuff back in the states into two boxes for his new life. And how he didn’t miss his stuff. In fact, he was liberated without his stuff. Jokingly he quipped “I was tired of managing all of my stuff!”, and the truth is theses days he is more self-actualized sans all the stuff.

I absolutely can relate to the liberation of less stuff. But even so, I still struggle with my stuff issues. While I’ve given up some stuff to have other stuff (and occasionally fool myself into feeling a tad bit enlightened), I without a doubt suffer from chronic stuff-itus. And on a daily basis. It’s hard, stuff is everywhere. It’s out there taunting and teasing, subliminally telling you without it, you are somehow not complete and/or less of a person. I actually jones for stuff. I’m reminded of so many scenes in Fight Club when I think about the societal lure trappings of stuff, one of the most fitting quotes being “I flipped through catalogs and wondered: What kind of dining set defines me as a person?”.

Stuff. It’s a funny word and there was much humor in our stuff conversation (it made me laugh out loud more than once), but there were also profound concepts discussed. Life is about choices. And experiences. We all know this, but as Americans living in a stuff-centric society, I think experiences can often get trumped for the quest of bigger and better stuff. At the end of the day, are we going to be glad that we have a household full of cool stuff, or glad that we got out and experienced what the world had to offer?

The law of cause and effect.

The other day I was walking along Lake Washington Boulevard (the eastside alternative to Seattle’s Greenlake in terms of a great place to exercise outdoors). As I walked by several groups of people who could use a friendly hand, I could literally hear a cha-ching (like the noise Farmville–that game on Facebook–makes when you sell your crops and earn some money) in my head as I offered to take a group picture or patiently held a crosswalk flag for an elderly couple. While clearly I’m playing too much Farmville, it got me wondering if karma was indeed like a bank where we make deposits and withdrawals by our daily actions and if each action is weighted with a distinct value, like a point system in a video game?

This got me thinking further…do small, karmic deposits add up, padding the account for when automatic, universal, and mandatory withdrawals occur (perhaps lessening the overall debt to be paid)? Or depending on the size of the withdrawal, if we maintain a high enough balance in our account to cover the unexpected draw on funds, perhaps this [karmic] transaction occurs without our ever knowing? Does our karmic bank offer overdraft protection? Lines of credit? If so, can it call in a loan if we take too long to pay if off? 

I don’t really know how much we can affect our own fate and I certainly can’t account for why bad things happen to good people (nor am I gonna try), but I do believe if we put good out into the universe, we’ll get good back. Maybe not instantly, and maybe not in the way we expect, but unless we make an effort, our cups will have a hard time “running over”.  And the same goes for negative energy.

Back to the Farmville analogy—your farm stays stagnant unless you plow the land and plant the seeds. You have to put forth some effort in order to harvest the crops, which results in money to further your farm and keep you moving forward in the game. But of course, real farming (or life) isn’t that easy. There are many unexpected and difficult variables (drought, freezes, bugs, poor soil quality, supply and demand, etc., etc.) which will hinder your yield from year to year. That’s all part of it (and no one ever said it would be easy). You reap what you sow, or at least a percentage of it. And sometimes, you have to keep on sowing, even if there is no instant return, because if you don’t, there is no chance for anything to prosper down the line. And other times, without additional effort, you just have a banner year.

Maybe we are adding (or perhaps subtracting depending on our actions) to our personal karmic bank accounts on a daily basis. Maybe we are simply putting good (and bad) energy out into the universe. Either way, based on our actions we are creating an equal and opposite reaction (somewhere, someway) from everything we do, whether we realize it or not. It’s kind of overwhelming mind blowing, if you really think about it. Keep this in mind the next time you are refusing to let some fool cut in front of you on the road or if you could easily offer a much-needed hand to someone through very little personal effort. Eventually enough pennies do fill a jar.

Sign up for Miscelaney on e-mail or by RSS feed. Don’t forget to become a fan on Facebook

For the most part, I am being really really productive with my time off. Seriously.  I came at this “opportunity” with several defined goals (some professional, some personal) and continue to move steadily forward with operation: life preservation by teaching myself new skills and continuing to stay relevant.  Personally, I think it says something considering I could lay on the beach and drink margaritas all day, EVERY day while  in between looking for a job. And don’t kid yourself, many in my position do.

I’ve streamlined my day quite a bit since I was first shoved out of the working nest. Which is really good considering the enormous amount of time I spend everyday trying to be all technical ‘n stuff learning how to customize and maintain this blog. This is seriously a dimension of frustration I never knew existed. Probably wouldn’t be as much if I took a class, but, where would the fun be in that? So, in answer to what do I do all day? I spend a lot of time self-teaching. And cursing. And searching for answers on the internet and in support forums. I surprise even myself with my emerging-psuedo-inner-geek.

And since I’ve been boning up on a few new skills and feel like I have something more to offer than my already stellar self, grin, I’m circling back to my network. Coffee, lunches, drinks, etc. Planting and watering future potential. You just never know when the seeds of opportunity will take sprout (read: when someone will have some money to hire me).

So every day I continue to fight the good fight with my war on life, one maneuver at a time. But some days, like days like  today, I am thankful I know the boss so well (and overall, she’s pretty cool).  My site keeps crashing with new software and template updates (apparently they can be a little buggy), I’ve lost all of my CSS customizations I’ve been implementing over the past few weeks with said software updates, I’ve been in support forum hell for most of the past 24 hours, I’m hungry ‘cuz I haven’t gotten out to get groceries and I’m still in my pajamas. And most likely I’ve not brushed my teeth yet plus, drumroll please, I’m being terrorized by PMS.

 I see no good coming from the rest of the day so today is the day I’m going to blatantly feed the stereotype of being unemployed. I’m calling it and going back to bed. It will all be waiting for me tomorrow. All of it. Cuz where else will it, and I, go?

Seattle is a tremendous place to celebrate the 4th due to the many firework displays dotted around the area, each anchored in or near a local body of water offering such breathtaking views, it seems almost impossible they are for real. Whether you are lucky enough to be on a boat, have a waterfront row seat, or simply create your own view with family and friends, it’s typically a good time had by all.

I did say typically a good time had by all. Maybe it’s just my constant state of malcontent, but the 4th of July is close to rivaling New Year’s Eve if you are single (at least at my age), in my opinion.  Unless you have a really, REALLY good time (which usually involves meeting an intriguing, and single, member from the opposite sex), you usually are somewhat dissapointed with the whole day. The bottomline is probably because holidays are best celebrated with a partner, any resulting family and good friends. In that order.

So this year, we decided to fight back. Not that I wouldn’t have enjoyed an afternoon boat ride with family and a few beers with friends while watching the smokey sky explode in a colorful 3-D fashion, because this really is as good as it gets.  BUT, it’s the reliable cloak of subtle disappointment which loosely hangs off your shoulders, blanketing your every move all through the day as you watch other people’s relationships unfold in that familiar way all the while providing you with a constant reminder YOU are there alone. This is as good as your day is going to get, sitting on the sidelines of other people’s lives and love.

And every year, all of the family and relationship-oriented holidays (by no fault of their own) are an even worse reminder than the year before that you are not an active participant, and it makes you feel empty (even though ordinarily you are pretty damn happy being single and alone). Who needs it, right? So this year, my BFF and I decided not to put ourselves through it again. Creating our own independance from Independance Day. I just love irony, don’t you?

We blasted down to Portland for a weekend escape. Could have been any other weekend, it just happened to be the 4th of July. The weather was spectacular, we stumbled upon a three-day blues festival which was fabulous, walked miles across the city enjoying its preseverd architecture and healthy state of mind, caught some local live music in a club, ate some phenominal cuisine and enjoyed the benefits of no sales tax. A fabulous and fun weekend by all accounts. No let downs. No false hopes dashed.

I’m not saying being single isn’t utterly awesome, but it’s definitely not utterly awesome all of the time. Holidays are the worst reminder of this, even on a day which offers something as innocuous as fireworks. Single people like to meet and be around other single people. It’s all part of the dance of eventually removing yourself from the single life. Holidays don’t necessarily afford this opportunity, even ones which take place on a boat full of friends. Because let’s face it, at my age most people are in some sort of a relationship.

I absolutley make the most out of my single life and live, as much as I can, without regrets. I don’t settle. I won’t settle. But occasionally, I do need a break.

PS–the author apologizes for the long post, but sometimes, you’s just gots something to say!

Yesterday seemed as good as day as any to pick a fight with corporate America. Chalk it up to low blood sugar, having no dog in any particular fight and feeling the need to mix it up, or the indignant (false) notion I no longer have to take anyone elses crap, I don’t know–take your pick.

I was running marathon errands on the west side. Finally taking my tent and related camping gear back to my storage unit (important to note it has been riding around in my car for at least a month), having the tire store re-attach parts of my hub cap which fell off from when I got my tires rotated (again, at least a month in the making), picking up a very needed undergarment and trying to abstain from any additional, uncessary shopping (I need it, no, you just want it, no I need it, sigh…I just want it), and so on.

The Offense

While on the run I decided to grab a quick lunch on the road. Something I rarely do anymore. No need to outright mention where I went, but my choice was a simple, fairly healthy, and totally fulfilling selection: rice, beans, chicken, cheese, and salsa, all in a bowl. Yum. But when I ordered this all-time favorite, I was stunned watching the man behind the counter fill my order. My server (becuase they build your dish right in front of you) put barley half a scoop of rice, half a scoop of beans, and half a scoop of chicken. The result was a child’s portion of what I ususally receive. I kept watching him with an “are you serious” look on my face. Apparently he was and he charged me full price.

Far too much white space in this bowl!

I don’t need to take the time right now to explain to you  the reasoning behind why I’m just not very confrontational, so instead of saying something at the time and slowing up the feed line (although to my credit I felt like it would fall on deaf ears), I bit my lip and sulkingly took my child’s lunch to the table. Before diving into the four bites I was provided, fuming, I took a photo of my half-filled bowl.

 The Stand

If I felt like being positive, the plus side was I was able to go to the gym for a vigorous swim immediately after lunch, becasue there was no need to let my food settle. Perhaps the universe thought a lively work out was what I needed as opposed to a fulfilling lunch. Regardless, I was more chapped by the point that this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened to me lately. Retailers, service providers, etc. have been circling in an unacceptable pattern of underdelivering on a standard they themselves set previously.

I sent the photo of my child-portion-of-a-lunch to the said offender’s corporate office with a note letting them know this was the reason why they would lose my business. They have the opportunity to make it right, if they choose to, so we’ll see.

Everyone’s going through hard times. No surprise. But if business owners are going  to start (continue) shortchanging customers to shave off expenditures, they are going to lose their loyalists. Then where will they be? I’m not saying businesses don’t have to be smarter about their costs, particulalry right now, but I am saying this type of thing is BS. I for one will take my careful spending somehwere else.

Keeping this in mind, I thought I’d give you the occasional daily glimpse into the oh-so-fabulous life of the unemployed. It is true, you do have an enormous amount of time on your hands. Great, now is your chance to do all the things you never got to do while you’re working 12 hours a day, right? Ah, yes, if only. The thing is you are broke-as-a-joke and beyond. That’s the first stumbling block. Then, there is the unexpected phenomena: lack-of-identidy-itus. This one will really throw you for a loop, so you have to fight it head on. Otherwise, you will suffer from an enormous, invisible thumb pushing down on you 24-7 which will leave you void, insecure and in a state of semi-paralysis. As a result, you don’t do anything you thought you’d do if only you had time on your hands because you are frozen in your chair in front of your computer. Then there is the obvious ball-and-chain of looking for gainful employment. You need to be ready and available on a moment’s notice should one of the precious few employers who are hiring right now call you and want to interview you. Yeah. They don’t even get back to me to drop me a standardized e-mail that says thanks, but no thanks. And I won’t even start on the principle of inertia. You can figure that one out for yourself.

So as you can see, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns (although I’ve seen a few). But it is what it is and I’m absolutely trying to make the most of it. So stay tuned for the ups, downs and arounds of being underemployed in a total shit economy.